Day 15 - The truth

So i came to know about that what i had been trying to get a ring of for like a month now. O says on my back that he is shit scared of me because the way i talk; loudly, that is. and he imitated me too behind my back. 
this is so weird and so wrong in so many places. he is scared of me? did he ever talk to me in real life? oh he did. on the recent field trip and i wasn't even one bit of a loud at that time. he just heard me at some stupid concert and that's when he came up with this assumption. mind blowing.
you know what? i have really begun to hate people, now. and thinking that O thinks this was is a tad bit saddening because i thought he would think good of me but no. i got it all wrong. i always get it wrong. and when now i begin to actually see through people, what they think of me, what kind of face they make behind my back i actually really see as if everybody thinks of me as one heck of a weirdo. i'm not that difficult to understand, nor have i created an invisible wall of glass around me that i won't let anyone in. 
from my childhood till now, i have never ever got a real friend, a friend about who i can know for sure that no matter what she would make stuff work out for me without me telling to her or sth, who wouldn't consider me as one heck of a weirdo. 
1. i don't talk behind people
2. i don't actually humiliate them - having fun is sth different, i never actually insult people intentionally 
3. i never put blame on people and often take it on my shoulders, boldly 
that still makes me a lot better than about 70% of the world population, then why am i always made to be felt like a left out or an odd one out? why am i so difficult to to be accepted? When did i lose my inner peace and started caring about what people had to say. wasn't i better before. innocent, careless, satisfied? what has happened to me 

Day 09 - Messed Up

I do not know what this paticular guy (let's name him O) has to hold against or for me. O used to like me once but met with a rejection when asked for a relationship and we became friends from then onward (not friends to be exact but we did use to talk generally when situation asked us to do so) and yesterday on the field trip he made so fun of me, like he was enjoying it and he didn't know that i wanted to kick him in his face real hard. he took the mickey of out me the whole time and left no chance to caricature me as if i was the only girl he was noticing through out!

But at the same time when i messed up the whole field purpose and the expedition, O was the one leading to console me. When i was depress earlier, he brought out the positive vibe in me once again. He solaced me like anything!  but why the constant teasing and harrassing me i do not get. i just do not. I did see him me staring at me a hell lot of times. But that still doesn't mean he could degrade me to shit in front of everyone.


A mixture of rage, confusion, helplessness, anger, humiliation has flooded my mind. It's all going through my mind like commets in a mid-night sky. But i cannot find no one to help me out. I could figure all the shit out if i would have understood what's going on myself, but how do you find the solution when you do not understand the problem, but you still you know what that is.


P.S dear imaginary reader, you may be of some help too.