Day 21 - too lazy to think of one

So the birthday's over and i went to some other friend's birthday who not only happens to be my birthday-mate but we also wee born on the same date, year, hospital, by the same doc, now we live in the same area, we're good friends and we share a lot in common of course. It was real fun over there.


the day ended and i didn't manage to get hold of the car even once coz apparently it had got too late for a beginner to drive at night. So yeah.. that's all


no. wait. ima start a diary entry, more like a journal - a total freakin account of my life, because obviously no one else is gonna write a bio on this sad freak hence this brown chick will perform the obligation herself of course. Now waiting for a nice diary and i will Le Start. 

Day 20 - It's my birthday tomorrow! || Let's be happy! :D

so i am turning 18 on 18th - a mantra my friend and i will keep singing till the end of the boom-day! great.
after 18 long years i am going to finally eligible to vote. 


when i look down upon on those 18 years of my life i realize that i actually did nothing productive, nothing useful. wasted my 18 years? i don't know. but at least i am a better person now than i was on my last birthday. - more tolerant, more realizing etc etc (end of thinking capacity reached). or let's just put it this way this is one of those pre-birthday depressions. ha. and be happy. :D


And now i cannot think of ideas of what to do on this first day of adulthood. and something just clicked me! today is my last day of childhood! :O and Ima spend it in pyjamas. like a boss! fuck yeah! 

Day 19 - between the two ends

stuck between the two ends, i stand,

questioning my existence,

the reason of my geniture.

So lost, so rudderless

wandering in the hollowness o' my shambolic mind

i await,

await for the flame.

Day 18 - the 'elder' sister

i would prefer an ugly son and a beautiful daughter rather than a handsome son and a not-too-pretty daughter. because i know one thing from my life, that your awfully handsome brother will keep making you realize how ordinary you are to look at but a sister would just never do this. Maybe it's in the man's ugly nature. 


in future i will never be 'the elder sister' just sister. that's it. no matter what happens, my status; due to my own attitude or their's or in our upbringing or sth i will never enjoy what all the eldest siblings of this world enjoy. My brother and sister never fail to tell me what i really am. a useless mind-rotten skunk who is only in this world to bug the hell out of the other people. And they are to a great extent right. 


i always try shutting up all together, once and for all. but me and my stupid stupid nature i end up being what i previously was. 

Day 17 - what i am, what i want to be, what i will be.

*insert topic* i don't know. i just don't. sometimes i just get out of control like a bitch. at the slightest of things. why? i dunno.


or perhaps i do. it's because i cannot seem to find a way to get all the rage out that has been bubbling inside me. and then i shout and scream and ruin the whole family's mood and end up embarrassing every one else but me. and when i am screaming i feel like calming down. it seems as if a tonne of load just got lifted. am i becoming devoid of happiness i don't know.


When i remember all the times they insulted me and humiliated me in front of me and i was so dumb that i never got a clue about my nick; frisbee, and that they added me to msn group chats coz i was the spectator or the puppet and how that laughed behind my back and at what i replied to specific things and  what they were up to, well today i opened up in front of this girl today NTI. and i didn't even know that okay i do have those stuff still burning inside me.
i thought i had forgiven them and forgotten but maybe they were just buried somewhere in there ready to be pulled out.


No one in this God damn friggin world is more sincere than your parents. not even your siblings to an extent. Just. Your. Parents. 

Day 16 - A flame?

Today is an odd day. i woke up later than i have been waking up for like a week now. Then i offered my prayer after what seemed like ages and then i do not know how come i logged into youtube and heard the full recitation and translation of surah rehman. throughout those about 23 minutes adrenaline had taken over my circulation and at times i even was about to cry. reason i do not know. i cannot figure out. it was something weird happening inside.

however than i started posing questions on my faith. What exactly is the status of women in Islam? Isn't it said that men would get a hell many virgins when they go to paradise? then obviously women are made the servants of men, not only in this temporarily life but in Hereafter too! However, i googled it and came across this page which cleared out everything i had in my mind. and o dear reader, whether you're a Muslim or a non-muslim, that doesn't really matter just read this page to know how women are so powerful in Islam and what we Muslims of today have made them into. 

At the least i can proudly say that i am Muslim, a Female Muslim!