Day 24 - Again

just felt like sharing it again..
Day 18 - the 'elder' sister
i would prefer an ugly son and a beautiful daughter rather than a handsome son and a not-too-pretty daughter. because i know one thing from my life, that your awfully handsome brother will keep making you realize how ordinary you are to look at but a sister would just never do this. Maybe it's in the man's ugly nature. 

in future i will never be 'the elder sister' just sister. that's it. no matter what happens, my status; due to my own attitude or their's or in our upbringing or sth i will never enjoy what all the eldest siblings of this world enjoy. My brother and sister never fail to tell me what i really am. a useless mind-rotten skunk who is only in this world to bug the hell out of the other people. And they are to a great extent right. 

i always try shutting up all together, once and for all. but me and my stupid stupid nature i end up being what i previously was. 

Day 23 - EXAMS!!

exams. exams. exams. and starting from today i just have exactly 14 days to prepare. okay. *gets shit scared* 

Day 22 - I don't want to be happy!

i do NOT want to be happy! i want euphoria! :D

so exams are just a fortnight away. and i have thoroughly wasted 3 whole days! awesomeness, no?  three days i did nothing except for play and sleep. and now every part of my body aches but this break from studies was much needed by my body. and it came at the right time. spot on.

my friend is going through depression these days. the same effed up situation that i am going through for like months and the thing is i do understand it but i don't know how to help her out because i still haven't got out of the situation myself yet. :/ 

Day 21 - too lazy to think of one

So the birthday's over and i went to some other friend's birthday who not only happens to be my birthday-mate but we also wee born on the same date, year, hospital, by the same doc, now we live in the same area, we're good friends and we share a lot in common of course. It was real fun over there.


the day ended and i didn't manage to get hold of the car even once coz apparently it had got too late for a beginner to drive at night. So yeah.. that's all


no. wait. ima start a diary entry, more like a journal - a total freakin account of my life, because obviously no one else is gonna write a bio on this sad freak hence this brown chick will perform the obligation herself of course. Now waiting for a nice diary and i will Le Start. 

Day 20 - It's my birthday tomorrow! || Let's be happy! :D

so i am turning 18 on 18th - a mantra my friend and i will keep singing till the end of the boom-day! great.
after 18 long years i am going to finally eligible to vote. 


when i look down upon on those 18 years of my life i realize that i actually did nothing productive, nothing useful. wasted my 18 years? i don't know. but at least i am a better person now than i was on my last birthday. - more tolerant, more realizing etc etc (end of thinking capacity reached). or let's just put it this way this is one of those pre-birthday depressions. ha. and be happy. :D


And now i cannot think of ideas of what to do on this first day of adulthood. and something just clicked me! today is my last day of childhood! :O and Ima spend it in pyjamas. like a boss! fuck yeah! 

Day 19 - between the two ends

stuck between the two ends, i stand,

questioning my existence,

the reason of my geniture.

So lost, so rudderless

wandering in the hollowness o' my shambolic mind

i await,

await for the flame.

Day 18 - the 'elder' sister

i would prefer an ugly son and a beautiful daughter rather than a handsome son and a not-too-pretty daughter. because i know one thing from my life, that your awfully handsome brother will keep making you realize how ordinary you are to look at but a sister would just never do this. Maybe it's in the man's ugly nature. 


in future i will never be 'the elder sister' just sister. that's it. no matter what happens, my status; due to my own attitude or their's or in our upbringing or sth i will never enjoy what all the eldest siblings of this world enjoy. My brother and sister never fail to tell me what i really am. a useless mind-rotten skunk who is only in this world to bug the hell out of the other people. And they are to a great extent right. 


i always try shutting up all together, once and for all. but me and my stupid stupid nature i end up being what i previously was. 

Day 17 - what i am, what i want to be, what i will be.

*insert topic* i don't know. i just don't. sometimes i just get out of control like a bitch. at the slightest of things. why? i dunno.


or perhaps i do. it's because i cannot seem to find a way to get all the rage out that has been bubbling inside me. and then i shout and scream and ruin the whole family's mood and end up embarrassing every one else but me. and when i am screaming i feel like calming down. it seems as if a tonne of load just got lifted. am i becoming devoid of happiness i don't know.


When i remember all the times they insulted me and humiliated me in front of me and i was so dumb that i never got a clue about my nick; frisbee, and that they added me to msn group chats coz i was the spectator or the puppet and how that laughed behind my back and at what i replied to specific things and  what they were up to, well today i opened up in front of this girl today NTI. and i didn't even know that okay i do have those stuff still burning inside me.
i thought i had forgiven them and forgotten but maybe they were just buried somewhere in there ready to be pulled out.


No one in this God damn friggin world is more sincere than your parents. not even your siblings to an extent. Just. Your. Parents. 

Day 16 - A flame?

Today is an odd day. i woke up later than i have been waking up for like a week now. Then i offered my prayer after what seemed like ages and then i do not know how come i logged into youtube and heard the full recitation and translation of surah rehman. throughout those about 23 minutes adrenaline had taken over my circulation and at times i even was about to cry. reason i do not know. i cannot figure out. it was something weird happening inside.

however than i started posing questions on my faith. What exactly is the status of women in Islam? Isn't it said that men would get a hell many virgins when they go to paradise? then obviously women are made the servants of men, not only in this temporarily life but in Hereafter too! However, i googled it and came across this page which cleared out everything i had in my mind. and o dear reader, whether you're a Muslim or a non-muslim, that doesn't really matter just read this page to know how women are so powerful in Islam and what we Muslims of today have made them into. 

At the least i can proudly say that i am Muslim, a Female Muslim! 

Day 15 - The truth

So i came to know about that what i had been trying to get a ring of for like a month now. O says on my back that he is shit scared of me because the way i talk; loudly, that is. and he imitated me too behind my back. 
this is so weird and so wrong in so many places. he is scared of me? did he ever talk to me in real life? oh he did. on the recent field trip and i wasn't even one bit of a loud at that time. he just heard me at some stupid concert and that's when he came up with this assumption. mind blowing.
you know what? i have really begun to hate people, now. and thinking that O thinks this was is a tad bit saddening because i thought he would think good of me but no. i got it all wrong. i always get it wrong. and when now i begin to actually see through people, what they think of me, what kind of face they make behind my back i actually really see as if everybody thinks of me as one heck of a weirdo. i'm not that difficult to understand, nor have i created an invisible wall of glass around me that i won't let anyone in. 
from my childhood till now, i have never ever got a real friend, a friend about who i can know for sure that no matter what she would make stuff work out for me without me telling to her or sth, who wouldn't consider me as one heck of a weirdo. 
1. i don't talk behind people
2. i don't actually humiliate them - having fun is sth different, i never actually insult people intentionally 
3. i never put blame on people and often take it on my shoulders, boldly 
that still makes me a lot better than about 70% of the world population, then why am i always made to be felt like a left out or an odd one out? why am i so difficult to to be accepted? When did i lose my inner peace and started caring about what people had to say. wasn't i better before. innocent, careless, satisfied? what has happened to me 

Day 14 - Dear world

Dear world, 
i do not hate you but your residents. why do they have to be such control freaks; dictating how everyone's every situation should be like? enlightening you with their worthy suggestions when legends have it, that they actually do not matter. 
People are so judgmental (even if this line is pretty judgmental on my part) and moreover they wouldn't listen to you about what happened with you but to the other people who merely saw that happening that have a lot of spice to bring down their appetite of the juiciest gossip. The gossip doesn't need to be true, it just has to have something that ruins the image of the prey and gives them people more stuff to chew on. 
Enough.
On a side note. i realized my brother is a genius! he so epicly observed the current situation in the house and came up with a wonderful piece of poetry i couldn't have imagined of writing in my whole freaking life. he is definitely a potential poet. But how to bring this up to the world? me thinks i should start a blog which includes his poems only. 

Day 13 - A sadist masochist beast

and i do not know when on my life journey i became such a sadist, masochist beast TVO was very right when he said that pretty much in a lighthearted way about me. when i think about me, myself that would the 3 year old me had been proud of what i am today? what i have become? what i have achieved so far? and no matter how much i try to divert away from the top the answer is laconic, in fact one word: no. she wouldn't have been
but then when i ponder over why wouldn't she? i look over how much some people love me and how much God has given me, but that just doesn't seem to be enough. inner peace - the most important thing in life. i lack it. i had the most of it, more than anyone else could have but now it's like all of it leaked out of the tiny little hole i didn't even know, existed.
Surrounded by the demons of darkness i have created around myself, letting the walls go higher everyday and more more hard to pierce, i become. what is happening to me or more appropriately what i have done to myself i do not know.
I am not going to go through this piece, so please pardon my errors. 

Day 12 - Where were you, when everything was falling apart

By 'you' i mean, the flamethrower, i so desperately await, to come and set all the things right, to end my effed-up-life and begin that what in real sense can be called 'life'.





And yes, the title is inspired by The Fray's song, you found me. 

Day 11 - back to normality + HAIL TO MOTHERS

well, to some extent, i'm pretty much out of that always-pissed-off mode. :D


y'know mothers are strangest creatures alive. you tell them the problem, cry in front of them and though they usually don't say the sort of words you would want them to say but they do utter sth that makes it for all of the shit you've got yourself into. And that's when they cannot be any more right when they say 'Start worrying once your mother dies', because till the time she's alive you just don't have to care a damn.


And i honestly pity the people who are somehow not too close to their mothers. i was scared of telling my mom stuff too. and even now i am but i tell her everything now. and i feel more relaxed than ever. although i don't tell her about my crushes and all but yeah i do tell her how this guy hurt like this and how this guy always pisses me and somehow she does understand that from whom i have to stay away (usually the guys i crush on) and with whom i should be okay with.


Moms are just The Best because they are the ones no matter how much furious they are with us, or how much we hurt them they will ALWAYS wish good for us. ALWAYS. no other person can do this not even your loved one who claims he/she can die for you

Day 11 - back to normality + HAIL TO MOTHERS

well, to some extent, i'm pretty much out of that always-pissed-off mode. :D

y'know mothers are strangest creatures alive. you tell them the problem, cry in front of them and though they usually don't say the sort of words you would want them to say but they do utter sth that makes it for all of the shit you've got yourself into. And that's when they cannot be any more right when they say 'Start worrying once your mother dies', because till the time she's alive you just don't have to care a damn.

And i honestly pity the people who are somehow not too close to their mothers. i was scared of telling my mom stuff too. and even now i am but i tell her everything now. and i feel more relaxed than ever. although i don't tell her about my crushes and all but yeah i do tell her how this guy hurt like this and how this guy always pisses me and somehow she does understand that from whom i have to stay away (usually the guys i crush on) and with whom i should be okay with.

Moms are just The Best because they are the ones no matter how much furious they are with us, or how much we hurt them they will ALWAYS wish good for us. ALWAYS. no other person can do this not even your loved one who claims he/she can die for you

Day 10 - I'm ugly and i am proud!

so yeah i may not be beautiful, certainly not according to this society's standards, because i am tan, i'm brown, i do not have very sharp features but a narrow forehead and a good big face, but i am proud! i may be ugly but i am proud! like a boss! just like spongebob said it.

well i got no other way out except to be proud of the way i am, because the beauty criteria of this world is just beyond my comprehension. I am not as ugly as the society portrays me to be (i had a whole bunch of guys crushing after me) but when i get to hear, even from my mom how that certain girl is so awfully beautiful and she turns out to be EXACTLY the opposite of me, well i do feel inferior at that time. i feel as if had i been more beautiful my mum would` have been even happier. Le sigh. 

But i am thankful to God for the way He made me, because He makes no mistakes. He is The Perfect. and i am proud to be His creation. 

Day 09 - Messed Up

I do not know what this paticular guy (let's name him O) has to hold against or for me. O used to like me once but met with a rejection when asked for a relationship and we became friends from then onward (not friends to be exact but we did use to talk generally when situation asked us to do so) and yesterday on the field trip he made so fun of me, like he was enjoying it and he didn't know that i wanted to kick him in his face real hard. he took the mickey of out me the whole time and left no chance to caricature me as if i was the only girl he was noticing through out!

But at the same time when i messed up the whole field purpose and the expedition, O was the one leading to console me. When i was depress earlier, he brought out the positive vibe in me once again. He solaced me like anything!  but why the constant teasing and harrassing me i do not get. i just do not. I did see him me staring at me a hell lot of times. But that still doesn't mean he could degrade me to shit in front of everyone.


A mixture of rage, confusion, helplessness, anger, humiliation has flooded my mind. It's all going through my mind like commets in a mid-night sky. But i cannot find no one to help me out. I could figure all the shit out if i would have understood what's going on myself, but how do you find the solution when you do not understand the problem, but you still you know what that is.


P.S dear imaginary reader, you may be of some help too.

Day 08 - Stupid Chinese (not the general people, the restaurant owner)

having the best chinese food in the whole town leaves you pretty much blog-less. the aroma of prawn and mushroom soup, the chow mein, the chinese rice and chicken manchurian, all makes you forget about the guy you crushed on for like a year, your life-long aim, your dreams, your urgent need to pee and what not!


But the fragrance of the  white gladiolus flowers all becomes more like a skunk's green spray when the chow mein turns out to be cold. didn't fail to piss me off. never does especially when they keep becoming poor on the amount of food they serve, keep raising the price and still slap on your face cold noodles.


Dear Chinese, Y U NO maintain the standard of your food? Y U keep lessening the amount and increasing the price? 

Day 07 - The world never fails to amaze me

And another one of those extreme rage moments has taken over, when i practically want to diss someone so bad that he/she starts crying of shame.


Every family has that one skunk-face moron that habitually insults that other actually-an-awesome person (of the same family) for reasons, only God knows. No one on this planet has the legal right by any law or norm to malign someone to shit and spread any sort of scuttlebutt about him, although the kind humanity who fights real hard for the preservation of animal entitlement, leaves not even a single chance of not violating the fundamental law of human rights 'conservation'; tis always ignored by him. how ironic. we are more concerned about animal rights than our fellow human beings'!


You live in a foreign land, you utter good lingua franca (read: english), you dress the way what is generally not very appreciated in your culture and behold! you have the legitimate right to


        i) talk to someone whenever YOU want to and stop talking when you don't feel like it
        ii) swear in english to show the other person how inferior he is
        iii) whenever that by-all-means-inferior-to-you guy tells you his secret, spread the news
        iv) don't give an eff about his opinions and publicly humiliate him by your ostrich-expressions, eye-(that look like toad's)rolling, talk-to-the-hand


This is what this world has taught me. Yes.


P.S. Don't take me wrong. I'm not a hater. but sometimes when this is what i see happening around me, more like a usual routine, i do get pissed off. A lot. because being superior to all sorts of creatures we are supposed to respect each other, love each other and not hate, or slag off. when will this world learn to love, i wonder. 

Day 06 - When all that's going on in my mind is nought.

so what exactly do you blog/say/blabber/bark when you have nothing meaningful to say? not that i always blog intellectual but, what if you're like totally blank and you're such a fool that you still want to blog even if it risks those two or three visitors on your blog?


would it do if I just leave with this one paragraph? i guess it would. Hence, period.  

Day 05 - i do not hate the world but i hate 99% of the people inhabiting it.

You know what the first thing a human baby does, after he is expelled from the womb? he breathes? no. opens his eyes? no. he effin cries! cries for he knows that he has entered a world of bitch-face hypocrites, who will no matter what they say at your face will always say exactly the opposite behind your back. they will hate you for your success but at the same time hale you for it. it will take his whole life to understand this hell; what he calls a world, and when by the end of his life he will finally come to know how the world works, it won't matter anymore, for he would have grown old just like a worn out tyre.


i do not hate the world but i hate 99% of the people inhabiting it. 

Day 04- Blogging is therapeutic

You got the title right. it is. but only when either you get a lot of views or a good many comments. Because otherwise the whole idea of you blogging and no one giving a ____ to read it let a lone comment is a leetle discomforting.


Okay so i read great many blogs and most of them had posts that were like 600+ words long and my blog posts don't even go 300+. ha. not that i got any less shit to talk about but the shit would then get too much for my imaginary reader to handle (read: eat).


You know the awfully amazing feeling when you empty your urinary bladder after praying hard and struggling with i don't know who or what, so that it won't burst or leak? the relief? the satisfaction? of course yeah! everybody knows it. who am i kidding. and whoever found this paragraph disgusting or inappropriate for the world wide web, get one heck of a life man! you need it. it ain't disgusting. it's just what every human being goes through. and when EVERYONE goes through it how come is it yuck or bad to write about it?


wait a sec. did i even need to say that? No. obviously naah. but i did. why? so that my post could reach an acceptable length. :(

Day 03 - A bloomer that ruins it all

Life Rule #8751 It is easier to pull an all-nighter when you do not have to study.


You were just about to get a 100% when that one ^&^%*&&* blunder ruined it all. why can't we give life some real nasty shit to eat when this happens? I was almost there, and this one darn mistake ........... urgh... carelessness is the only art besides, procrastination, chussing, dissing, pissing the hell out of the other person that i master. i do not know when will i ever get over this or when will this quality of mine stop haunting me. It has become more of like a ^%^&*( conundrum!


However, what happens, occurs for our  own good. Had i scored a distinction in the home  examination i wouldn't have probably taken the REAL examinations that way i should take them. God, Has his own ways of doing stuff, which are best unknown to men. okay. now i am pretty fine, except that  i'm still a leetle hurt. :|

Day 02 - My meh at the two sexes

one day and 22 views and that too without sharing the blog url with anyone? wow. Man, this world does work in a strange way, a way that's practically beyond our comprehension. or maybe our comprehension ability sucks big time. Does that make sense? as if i care if it doesn't. well i do. Period.


Women are a weird specie. I'm not at all in favour of those 'women-are-dumb' jokes but yeah man, this specie is  strange; so strange that i have fallen short of words to describe her. Not that men are too good to be left alone of criticism but ............... okay i give up. these both gender suck and rock in their way. i can't take no more; bitching about one and then the other sex, i mean. Enough barked.


My gender? Well let that just remain confidential. Time will tell. However it doesn't really matter for my views regarding the psychological properties of this humankind, are purely neutral, and not at all effected by my own masculinity/femininity.

Day 01 - Let the curtains rise

Not that i am a very interesting person to read about or i have an awesome life to write about, that i have started a blog totally dedicated to my life - and me of course. So it's 1st January, and first day (technically at the time i am typing this, it is 2nd January but well who cares as long as i haven't slept yet, so yeah it's still 1st jan. :|)


The awesome thing is i have started blogging at the time when the only 'happening' event in my life is ----- exams. whattay start.


So why i started this blog? tough question. because honestly even i do not know. not that i expect a real good readership but i just wanted to. :| this is what when-you-do-not-know-what-to-study-for-tuesday-exam does to you; you go blank and shit is all you talk. Enough said. in fact more than enough (shit) said. Peace.


P.S my writing skills are screwed up (they were never too good, actually. But it doesn't matter.) And now i am hating this piece so much that i just want to delete it. but i won't. -_-